The neighbors

I truely try not to be judgy. I think everybody ought to just do their thang and let me do mine. However, these people in proxmity of are constantly yelling at their kids! There is another lady I live close to and I used to babysit her kids, they are never allowed to get dirty. Its rules rules rules! I watched my Bean yesterday, she had on a bathing suit top some kind of crazy skirt and her gollashes. She was blowing bubbles and was covered in mud. I watched the little girl next door watch my bohemian child with longing. Their family looks perfect. She had a perfect crease in her khaki shorts and spanky white sneakers. She had a jump rope and a picket fence. What she really wants is some dirt, some freedome! The poor kid can't breath and I so badly want to bring her over here and give her some paint or a journal something to express herself. I have taken alot of flack over the years about how we school, how long I breastfed about not vaxing..cloth diapers and an overall reluctance to squash my kids. To that I say NEENER. D is 15, he is a very talented musician. He has an amazing affinity for languages and speaks several moderately well, and German fleuantly. He has tourettes and he likes it lol its part of him. He is kind, he works hard. He respects his Mama. D feels like he's being called into the mission field and he's planning to pursue it. He is very confident in who he is and what he wants. I wish I were that well adjusted. That is because when he was 7 he got a mo hawk, he died his hair blue once. I let him get an earring, and then take it out again. I let him play in the mud in his underwear and didn't tell anybody when he loved Little House but was embarassed by it. He has never had a crease ironed into his clothes, and I don't make him cut his 'fro (even though its a funny whiteboy fro) He wears The Who t shirts to church and listens to Queen and Floyd. This amazing person we've allowed to grow, is totally free range kid.

I feel like everything is going to shit and its part of the big picture

So we left our church. Not God just the crazy legalistic up your crack movement we were in. Crazy how now that seems like a brief (5 year) interlude in our real lives. Like it never even happened. Wierd. I'm shunned of course and this is a little odd on cook out holidays and that sorta stuff. Its odd that I can't call up my "best friend" but its also very free. Very real, no politics, no nicey junk just me. Business isn't going well, my honey being in construction we're scrambling all the time to make a dime just like everybody else. How are we gonna pay payroll and on and on. Of course this is when we decide our food is making us sick and we need to go organic. Cause spending MORE money on food thats helpful. So few friends, no money. Been here before, but I'd forgotten how REAL it makes things. How little room for junk and frivolity I have in my life. It makes the rubber hit the road and I have had to for real evaluate what matters, how it matters and how I can do things better. If something..even someone isn't bringing something positive into my life then there simply isn't room right now. What do I REALLY want, not what society says i should want. I don't want to work more hours to buy more crap I don't need. I don't need a bigger house, what a revalation cause I sure thought last year I wanted a bigger house. Today right now, my immediate needs are met. My bank account is negative, and thats ok. I can feed my children, I have a good husband. Right now I am ok.